sincerely, me

embarrassingbravery asked: How about I ask you things? What did you end up dressing up as for Halloween?

Let me tell you my feelings on Halloween:

First, can we just examine the premise behind this holiday? The Committee for Deciding How Holidays Work really should have thought this one through. Maybe they should have coordinated with the Committee on Myths We Tell Our Children to Get Them to Behave. I’m sure they could have learned from some of the CMWTOCGTB’s mistakes, like Santa Claus, or the Tooth Fairy. (Seriously, what were they thinking?)

Now, let’s examine this holiday from an outside perspective. First of all, we dress our children up in costumes. Now, these costumes range from the hilarious (Baby Gaga! A banana!) to the hideous (Baby Freddie Kruger! Kate Gosselin!). We dress them up as people they probably don’t know exist, or as undead creatures we hope they know don’t exist, but the probably think they do. Then we tell them scary stories about things coming back from the dead and houses that eat your soul. After that, we pat them on the head, hand them a little plastic pumpkin with a terrifying face carved out of it, and send them on their merry way (at night). Here’s what we expect them to do, just so we’re all clear:

1. Approach a stranger’s house,

2. Knock on the door and wait for an answer,

3. Scream something at the innocent homeowner about how he gets to choose whether the kids at the door receive candy (a “treat”) or a swift kick in the face and a flaming bag of feces (a “trick”).

4. Hold out their little plastic buckets to receive food from strangers, which they intend to EAT later.

4 1/2. Which, by the way, is preservative-riddled sugar-coated sugar that will lead to cavities, obesity, diabetes, and their eventual deaths.

5. All the while dressed as Kim Kardashian or a pirate. (Or Kim Karrrrghdashian, the super foxy swashbuckler.)

Let’s be clear here, parents: UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD YOU ENCOURAGE YOUR KIDS TO TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS? Oh, right. Halloween. Well, I’m considering inventing a new holiday. It’s called Stoplight Day! We celebrate by crossing busy streets whenever we feel like it, instead of waiting for a red light! On any other day it would probably be dangerous, but not today! For just one day it’s totally safe and encouraged! In fact, find as many streets as you can to cross! It’s fun!

And furthermore, I was nearly accosted by a Teenage Dream on Elm Street (thanks to Katy Perry) at Chicken Express yesterday. You know how when someone opens the door at the same time as you and you get a little scare? Now, imagine it’s Freddie Krueger on the other side of that door. If that sweet tea wasn’t so damn delicious, I would have thrown it into his face and reached for the nearest… whatever it was that finally killed (or didn’t?) him in the movie. I don’t DO scary movies.

And FOITHERMORE! I don’t do scary movies. I tried to yesterday. Do you know how this one ended? Everyone died. The only two survivors were two 12-year-old kids who rode off into the sunset on a horse. Literally. I assume it was trying to imply that these two would repopulate the Earth. How’s that for a message to send your kids on Halloween?

Well, I don’t just complain about our society’s problems. I solve them. Here’s my solution: Government subsidized Halloween! We create a governmental department: The Federal Bureau of Candy and Costumes. Every year on October 31, we dress our kids up in costumes, pile them into our mini-vans, and drive them down to the local FBCC. These offices would be a lot like the DMV, with long waits and grumpy older women who don’t speak much English and clearly hate puppies and all things good and bright. Then they would hand out candy to everyone in costume. See, it’s perfect! Instead of teaching kids to take candy from strangers, we teach them to take things they probably don’t deserve from the government. And let’s face it, we already do a pretty good job of that anyway. (BOOM VAGUE OPINION’ed!)

Dumb Halloween

But take everything I say with a grain of salt. I’m really just bitter and jaded because no one invited me to their Halloween party.