Anonymous asked: If someone who wants to be your best friend, but isn't, because you don't DO best friends, offered you a pancake made from weevil-y pancake batter, would you eat it? Or would you tear from the house in a storm of rage and refuse to ever put him/her in the presence of a bespectacled person ever again?
You are right. A sad, unfortunate turn of events, you know; the fact that I don’t DO best friends. Rather, I do my friends in tiers. Observe.
Tier 1: I will tolerate being in your presence for around 12 seconds. Those who fall into this category are usually ugly, not stylish, smelly, or a horrid combination of the three.
Tier 2: We have moved to being OK with being in the same room for extended periods of time. I might even promise to “hang out” sometime, but I will never follow through. Also, I don’t DO “hanging out.”
Tier 3: Here we have reached the pinnacle of friendship: I will pretend to be talking on my phone as we pass each other, and will nod slightly to acknowledge your existence. I will also accept worship from afar from Tier 3ers. I give gifts for divorce hearings, retirement parties, and bar mitzvahs. I don’t DO gifts for Christmas, birthdays, or Fall Line Launch Parties.
Tier 4: You must look, talk, dress, and act like me to reach this tier. Only 4 people have ever reached this height, and none have survived to tell the tale. There was the great “Tier 5 Friend Debacle of 1998” but I shudder to think that any of you will go to such lengths as… well, let’s not go into that.
In answer to your question, Not-So-Anonymous, I would feast on your pancakey weevils. Because not even weevils can detract from a decent pancake. And honestly, that seems like the lesser of two weevils. And never fear, your bespectacled knight, as it were, in shining armour, awaits.
